Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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