I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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