Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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