Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
