24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
