Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
