operation harelip BJ is a go
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
