Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
