he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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