do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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