Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
