Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
