he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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