I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
