Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
