talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
