Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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