guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Randomize
