You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
