My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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