I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
how drunk are you?
Several
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
