my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
