I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
