Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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