i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
