: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
