Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
