Who did Billy Mays play for?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
