I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
