if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
