now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
