Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
