I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
