Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
