My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
