my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
