you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
