It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
