New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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