she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
