what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
