I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
