Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
