We're like a lot better than the average bears
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
