I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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