so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I smell stomach acid.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So here I am, sexting at work.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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