i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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