i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
