my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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