I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Randomize
